I Can't Hear You!

OK, so I asked our Father if He could hear me last time I was here. In the weeks that followed, I've realized that it's not His hearing that's the problem. It's mine.

All I want to hear is that it's going to be OK.

I just want to hear that the pain, concern and struggle will stop NOW.

Can I get a "The storm is over now," in my life?

That's not what I'm getting. I'm getting all these encouraging messages that stoke my fire to fight through the hard times:

"Get ready to rumble!"

"My kingdom suffers violence, and the violent take it by force."

"The race is not given to the swift or the strong, but to those who endure until the end."

"Without faith it is impossible to please me, for I am, and I am a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him."

Ummm...that ain't what I'm trying to hear. That's not what I want to hear. I want to hear that I can curl up somewhere in a corner, take a nap, and when I wake up, everything will be all right. But You...You're telling me to fight. And I'm coachable. I've been in the boxing ring before. Right now, I'm tired, and I don't want to fight anymore.

So Your words go in one ear and out the other. I'd rather just lash out in anger at my family...myself. It's easier to throw a temper tantrum and start needless fights instead of putting my dukes up and fighting the good fight. I've been fighting that one for years, and I feel like I'm losing. I feel like it's pointless.

Yet You won't let me give up on myself. Sorry, God...I've already done that. And somehow, You managed to trump even that act of defiance. I gave up on my husband, my family, myself. They've all failed me, and continue to do so. That's my criteria for throwing my hands up in defeat.

I tried to give up on You...but that just ain't working too well for me. I can't find a charge to blame You for. I tried to find an area where You didn't help me work everything out for the good, and as much as I rack my brains thinking about the trouble I've encountered, I can't find ONE INSTANCE where you failed me or turned your back on me when I needed you the most.

In fact, I've been telling You to leave me alone and forget about me lately...and yet You're still there. Your Words go in one ear and out the other, but You haven't stopped talking yet! You know I'm not trying to hear what You have to say, but for some reason, You keep saying it. I have the sneaking suspicion that You will do so until I willingly "get" it.

So as much as I plug my ears up and yell at the top of my lungs, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!" I want to thank You for whispering anyway. Eventually my temper tantrum will end, and when it does, the whispers You gave me in this night time season will strengthen me to endure.

I don't want to hear You. I don't want You to be so easy to love. I don't want You to be so hard for me to give up on. But You love me in spite of me. All up in my face with it, getting a kick out of whispering Your sweet somethings in the ears of my heart.

I hear You, Lord. There's no sense in fighting You any longer.

Father Can You Hear Me?

What happens when the encourager needs to be encouraged. What happens when all that has been shared from a personal place in wisdom, compassion, love and patience is not enough for the one whose sole purpose is to encourage others?

God, I've nothing left to give. Like the heroin addict who wanted to quit, but didn't have the strength to in this video (the woman who entered the church a la "The Color Purple" towards the end of the scene), I'm here...just as I am, in need of the blood of the Lamb.

But my heart and soul don't say YES. This transition makes me feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions, and none of them have happy endings. On one hand, I feel like driving my truck into a tree (don't judge me...I deal with unreasonable thoughts just like you...I just give them to God when they become overwhelming...I know a permanent solution to a temporary problem is not the way to go). On the other hand, I feel like telling you, God, to remove the anchor that keeps me from losing my mind. Maybe medication and an insane asylum can help me better than You can.

Father, can You hear me? You have helped me keep my mind so many times when I wanted to lose it, but it's obvious I need more than that. I need more than a "Yes, Lord," and a praise to accompany it. That's just not working for me right now.

What happens when all You have taught me to lean on when I feel like this just doesn't work? What happens when I'm too scared to take the next step, but too trapped NOT to? What happens when I feel like I'm being attacked and FAILING from the north, south, east and west?

Certainly not a pity party. Certainly not complaining. Certainly not taking my frustrations out on my loved ones. I tried that, too...and it didn't work. Certainly not suicide...I'm not about to go through all this crap down here and not make good on my reservation up there with You.

What happens when I can't trust myself, my husband or anyone else?

I guess I'll just do the only thing that has never steered me wrong. I guess I'll continue to trust You.

I know You can hear me. You've never let me down in the past. Please, God. I'm following You and Your Words...don't let me down.

Take Off The Mask!

"It's like we get better at playing a role, but we don't really get BETTER." ~ Simon Flake

Will the real "me" please stand up? In spite of the fear of rejection or ridicule, can I be bold enough to just be ME...no gimmicks, no stunts, no statements that assert my originality. Can I just be ME without a mask of feigned happiness or joy. Can I be ME without the expectation of sweetness?

Here's the thing: I really am happy and full of joy. I really am a sweet person. But if I have a difficult day, it's just that. I shouldn't make myself play a role just to fit within someone else's preconceived notions about me.

The only standard I'm trying to fit into is the standard of Christ. Please don't misread this: I'm not trying to fit into a standard of denomination or one particular church body. I just want to be like Christ. PERIOD.

Galatians 6:15 (the Message Version) says, "Because of [the] Cross, I have been crucified in relation to the world, set free from the stifling atmosphere of pleasing others and fitting into the little patterns that they dictate."

This scripture effectively removed from my face the masks that were stifling me; the masks I was lost in because I couldn't remember which "me" I was supposed to be within the various settings and circumstances I found myself in. I had to be a certain "me" with mama and family, another "me" at work, and yet another "me" with my husband and sons. The beat goes on, but I'm marching to the one of the only Drummer Who knows me better than I know myself.

I am no longer lost in a masquerade, accepting Oscar after Oscar for perfecting the roles and labels I was given since the day of my birth. All that has now been removed, and I'm free to just be...

ME.

Introduce Yourself to Yourself!

"'One of the greatest moments in anybody's developing experience is when he no longer tries to hide from himself but determines to get acquainted with himself as he really is.' ~ Norman Vincent Peale"

Why are you hiding from yourself? Who you REALLY are, the greatness and vast beauty that dwells within you? Is it the bills? The heartbreak you suffered years ago? It really doesn't matter what your past failures or foibles were...unless you allow them to dictate, define and determine your future!

As long as there is still breath in your lungs, you have a chance to fulfill the awesome purpose you were created for! The universe awaits your introduction, but you must believe that greatness is within you in order to make an impact, no matter how small or large.

Today, I want to challenge all of you to pursue getting to know yourself in a deep, intimate way. If you have wild dreams, keep them up in the clouds, then, like Thoreau said, build the foundations underneath them to bring them into reality. I once heard a song say that "nothing comes from dreamers but dreams." Well, I beg to differ. Dreamers bring liberty, compassion, music, humor and love to the table...as long as they know who they are and don't get lost in the vicious cycle of doubt.

Are YOU a dreamer? Introduce yourself to your dream and don't let it go until it becomes reality!