Father Can You Hear Me?

What happens when the encourager needs to be encouraged. What happens when all that has been shared from a personal place in wisdom, compassion, love and patience is not enough for the one whose sole purpose is to encourage others?

God, I've nothing left to give. Like the heroin addict who wanted to quit, but didn't have the strength to in this video (the woman who entered the church a la "The Color Purple" towards the end of the scene), I'm here...just as I am, in need of the blood of the Lamb.

But my heart and soul don't say YES. This transition makes me feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions, and none of them have happy endings. On one hand, I feel like driving my truck into a tree (don't judge me...I deal with unreasonable thoughts just like you...I just give them to God when they become overwhelming...I know a permanent solution to a temporary problem is not the way to go). On the other hand, I feel like telling you, God, to remove the anchor that keeps me from losing my mind. Maybe medication and an insane asylum can help me better than You can.

Father, can You hear me? You have helped me keep my mind so many times when I wanted to lose it, but it's obvious I need more than that. I need more than a "Yes, Lord," and a praise to accompany it. That's just not working for me right now.

What happens when all You have taught me to lean on when I feel like this just doesn't work? What happens when I'm too scared to take the next step, but too trapped NOT to? What happens when I feel like I'm being attacked and FAILING from the north, south, east and west?

Certainly not a pity party. Certainly not complaining. Certainly not taking my frustrations out on my loved ones. I tried that, too...and it didn't work. Certainly not suicide...I'm not about to go through all this crap down here and not make good on my reservation up there with You.

What happens when I can't trust myself, my husband or anyone else?

I guess I'll just do the only thing that has never steered me wrong. I guess I'll continue to trust You.

I know You can hear me. You've never let me down in the past. Please, God. I'm following You and Your Words...don't let me down.