Can She SAY That?: I Can't Hear You!

03 June 2010

I Can't Hear You!

09:08

OK, so I asked our Father if He could hear me last time I was here. In the weeks that followed, I've realized that it's not His hearing that's the problem. It's mine.

All I want to hear is that it's going to be OK.

I just want to hear that the pain, concern and struggle will stop NOW.

Can I get a "The storm is over now," in my life?

That's not what I'm getting. I'm getting all these encouraging messages that stoke my fire to fight through the hard times:

"Get ready to rumble!"

"My kingdom suffers violence, and the violent take it by force."

"The race is not given to the swift or the strong, but to those who endure until the end."

"Without faith it is impossible to please me, for I am, and I am a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him."

Ummm...that ain't what I'm trying to hear. That's not what I want to hear. I want to hear that I can curl up somewhere in a corner, take a nap, and when I wake up, everything will be all right. But You...You're telling me to fight. And I'm coachable. I've been in the boxing ring before. Right now, I'm tired, and I don't want to fight anymore.

So Your words go in one ear and out the other. I'd rather just lash out in anger at my family...myself. It's easier to throw a temper tantrum and start needless fights instead of putting my dukes up and fighting the good fight. I've been fighting that one for years, and I feel like I'm losing. I feel like it's pointless.

Yet You won't let me give up on myself. Sorry, God...I've already done that. And somehow, You managed to trump even that act of defiance. I gave up on my husband, my family, myself. They've all failed me, and continue to do so. That's my criteria for throwing my hands up in defeat.

I tried to give up on You...but that just ain't working too well for me. I can't find a charge to blame You for. I tried to find an area where You didn't help me work everything out for the good, and as much as I rack my brains thinking about the trouble I've encountered, I can't find ONE INSTANCE where you failed me or turned your back on me when I needed you the most.

In fact, I've been telling You to leave me alone and forget about me lately...and yet You're still there. Your Words go in one ear and out the other, but You haven't stopped talking yet! You know I'm not trying to hear what You have to say, but for some reason, You keep saying it. I have the sneaking suspicion that You will do so until I willingly "get" it.

So as much as I plug my ears up and yell at the top of my lungs, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!" I want to thank You for whispering anyway. Eventually my temper tantrum will end, and when it does, the whispers You gave me in this night time season will strengthen me to endure.

I don't want to hear You. I don't want You to be so easy to love. I don't want You to be so hard for me to give up on. But You love me in spite of me. All up in my face with it, getting a kick out of whispering Your sweet somethings in the ears of my heart.

I hear You, Lord. There's no sense in fighting You any longer.

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